recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
