Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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