Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
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The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old