clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.