Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
