how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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