two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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