Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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