if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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