you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
