When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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