awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
