This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
