i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
