You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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