just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
