she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
we should paint friendship bongs
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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