I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
