Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
