I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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