A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
