I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
then he tried to convert me to islam
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
