moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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