Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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