it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
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Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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