i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
