I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
