Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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