i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
