Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
