if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
