so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
even my farts smell like vagina
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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