I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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