I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
