I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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