where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
