Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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