Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
