turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
