Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He shit in the fireplace
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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