My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
