my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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