I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
