After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
