Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
