I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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