I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
