can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
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Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
last night I used snow as a chaser
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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