I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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