The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
