i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
