It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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