I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
