I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
