every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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