Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
