I should be sponsored by Trojan
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
