I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
