So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
