She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
