Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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